Parenting is hard. I don't even have a child yet and I can testify that parenting is one of the toughest things that people have to do on this planet. You're not only responsible for keeping another human alive by feeding them, bathing them, and making sure that they get enough sleep, you also have to teach them to walk, talk, count, read, tie their shoes, and (if they're really smart) calculus. And no one wants to teach their kid calculus.
On top of all that you have to remember to actually feed yourself too, keep a house clean, work or study, and attempt to have a life. When you think about it, being a parent is basically both the best and worst thing ever, so you definitely deserve that glass of wine once the kids go to sleep. Or 4 of them.
What I thought I would say as a parent:— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) February 2, 2017
"You are going to change the world."
What I say as a parent:
"Stop licking the window."
Pediatrician: They're only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) May 5, 2017
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) January 15, 2018
I spent 20 minutes, 20. Fucking. Minutes. Convincing my kid to wear a coat, but yeah, congrats on your pregnancy.— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) October 25, 2017
We were in church and I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants and he screamed “I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG” and now I need a new church.— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) December 15, 2017
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 22, 2014
The 4 yr old is wandering the house in a life jacket, crying b/c it's clipped. He also cried when I unclipped it.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 18, 2017
We don't even own a boat.
Becoming a parent is like playing a video game where you've skipped the tutorial & you're just running about with no idea how anything works— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) March 21, 2017
Parenting: When you get to wake up everyday thinking, "maybe today will be the day I die of exhaustion."— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) April 29, 2016
"TODAY I TELLED MY CLASS HOW SOMETIMES MY FARTS SMELL LIKE BURNT TOAST," said my son, the poster child for Teachers Don't Make Enough Money.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 10, 2017
Follow my crafty mommy blog for great projects such as Pile of Books in Corner and Wrinkled Mass of Unfolded Clothes in Other Corner.— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) April 12, 2017
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 19, 2014
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 14, 2014
9: What's mom gonna be?
I almost just said "Calm your tits" to my 3yo. Thanks, Twitter.— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 14, 2013
I'm the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 26, 2017
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I'm on the computer* What game are you playing?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 17, 2017
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
That awkward moment when your child looks to you for wisdom and you're like, "Honey, I don't even know what day of the week it is."— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 14, 2017
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we're so cultured and not bc she's basically been raised by Peppa Pig— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) October 19, 2016
Heard my 7yo call my 5yo a dick & I told her it isn’t a word she can say & she asked if she can say it when she’s 15 & I said no & she asked if she can say it when she’s an adult & I said no & she asked if she can say it in jail & I said if she goes to jail then she can say dick— Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) January 15, 2018
Husband: So we've basically given up.— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) January 31, 2017
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.